fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
