My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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