I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
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So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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