I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
