Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I got inside last night via doggy door
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
