Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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