I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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