I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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