I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
