Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We left an ass print on the piano.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
