It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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