i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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