I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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