bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
