I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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