Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
