uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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