I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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