just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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