dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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