So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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