Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
