i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
