I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
