I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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