i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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