i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
