My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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