I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
