remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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