I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
