Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
