I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
