I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
