In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
