Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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