You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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