Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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