Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
