If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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