Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
