he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
