The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
