Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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