I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
