new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I look better un-naked...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
