There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
