so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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