Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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