Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
