life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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