Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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