is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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