I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
