I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
