I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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